If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
