true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
