i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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