we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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