I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
