Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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