My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
