You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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