I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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