My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
