I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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