Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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