evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
