I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
