at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
