You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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