that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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