Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want a musical about memes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
