so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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