and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
