Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Holy sore nipples Batman
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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