Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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