I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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