You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
