I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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