I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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