Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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