Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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