I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize