I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
