I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
