it hurts more in the daytime
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
