How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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