im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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