we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How naked do you want me to be?
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