I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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