I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
