i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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