I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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