Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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