You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
