I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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