I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
