Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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