First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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