Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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