I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
