oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
