So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
