I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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