I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
