I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
