Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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