Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
