I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
