my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
